Being gay single and happy
March 02, 2017
The Epidemic of
Gay LonelinessBy Michael Hobbes
I
“I used to get so eager when the meth was all gone.”
This is my friend Jeremy.
“When you possess it,” he says, “you have to keep using it. When it’s gone, it’s like, ‘Oh nice, I can go endorse to my life now.’ I would stay up all weekend and travel to these sex parties and then feel prefer shit until Wednesday. About two years ago I switched to cocaine because I could work the next day.”
Jeremy is telling me this from a hospital bed, six stories above Seattle. He won’t tell me the precise circumstances of the overdose, only that a stranger called an ambulance and he woke up here.
Jeremy is not the ally I was expecting to have this conversation with. Until a few weeks ago, I had no idea he used anything heavier than martinis. He is trim, intelligent, gluten-free, the kind of guy who wears a serve shirt no matter what day of the week it is. The first time we met, three years ago, he asked me if I knew a good place to do CrossFit. Today, when I ask him how the hospital’s been so far, the first thing he says is that there’s no Wi-F
Opinion: Reasons to describe why gay men end up still single
According to a recent survey by AARP, more queer men over the age of 45 are single than are in a relationship. Well, slap my ass and call me Nancy because every period I look around I feel that I see a sea of coupled men and just a few solo older dudes, appreciate me.
Then again, when I think about it, virtually every straight guy I know over 45 is partnered and many of my gay friends are single. Taking that admitted subjectivity into consideration, it’s a topic worth pondering.
I racked my head and took it to the streets—so to speak—and here are some of the reasons that surfaced, from my own experience and coupled and uncoupled friends alike.
1. The AIDS pandemic.
Many men my age and older lost loved ones to AIDS, and have consciously decided not to couple up again. Or don’t own the strength to open themselves up to such pain again. When I asked one partner why he was single, he said, bluntly, “my heart mates are all dead,” and left it at that. The heartache, the grief, the years of caregiving receive their toll, and, tragically, many of us are war widows. The AIDS factor is essential in understanding the lives and lifestyle
Two single friends, one extreme plan: why I’m having a child with my gay best mate
I held my breath as the sonographer pressed the probe into my belly. I could see something promising on the screen but needed to hear the expert say it before I could believe it. “There’s the heartbeat,” she said, and relief flooded through me. Next to me Tom, the baby’s father, squeezed my hand as tears rolled down my cheek.
We probably looked love any other happy couple the sonographer saw that day, about to set out on parenthood for the first time. But Tom isn’t my partner; he’s my best friend. We’re both single, he’s homosexual and soon we’re going to be platonically co-parenting that little bean on the screen together after years of separately experiencing the pain and longing of childlessness.
I first began to panic about having a baby when I turned 31. I woke on my birthday in a tiny box room in the small horizontal where I lodged, suddenly very aware that I had not hit any of the classic milestones. I was in the ahead stages of a brand-new career, having recently retrained as a journalist, and was earning very small. I was also single. The scary age of 35, drummed into every woman’s head as the age f
5 Tips to Overcome Your Loneliness as a Same-sex attracted Man
Updated April 18, 2025
by Clinton Power, psychotherapist and Gay Therapy Center guest blogger
Unfortunately, struggling with feelings of loneliness and isolation is common in the gay community despite the focus on love and relationships. Sometimes you might struggle with making connections at all, and other times you may touch “alone in a crowded room” because it’s so hard to forge correct connections.
Let’s explore how you can constructively deal with feelings of loneliness and share a life you’re excited to live!
Why undertake gay men get lonely?
Loneliness is, in some ways, part of the same-sex attracted experience. The prevalence of loneliness was significantly higher among adults who identified as gay (41.2%). Since everyone is assumed to be heterosexual, we all start out in the closet. The stress of not being out is emotional more than rational, but it takes its toll. Even before you came out to yourself, on some level you might have known you couldn’t fulfill expectations of a heterosexual life. You may have grown up feeling different and separated from the majority.
After you’re out of the closet, things don’t necessarily upgrade right away
OK, so, you’re same-sex attracted, and you wish to find a partner and eventually a husband; someone with whom to share your being. However, you just can’t seem to meet the right guy or construct the right connection. You keep coming up empty-handed, stymied in your endeavors, no matter what you try. All of this communicate of legalized marriage just seems to make things worse, adding pressure from friends, family, and even yourself.
You ponder that maybe it’s just not doable for gay men to have long-term relationships. There must be some authenticity to the aged joke: “What does a gay human bring on a second date?” Response: “What second date?” You would be ready to fling in the towel, if it weren’t for your leading friend who met someone and is now in a happy relationship for the past two years—or that middle-aged couple who stay in your building and who just celebrated 25 years together with a trip to Paris. So you finish up wondering, “What’s the matter with me? What am I doing wrong?”
As an openly homosexual man with over 30 years of experience as a therapist, I hold seen scores of single gay men sabotage their tries to find a partner, placing obstacles in their possess path—without having the slightest idea as to what they a